My Way

Today was my grandpa's funeral. To be honest it was so much more emotional for me than I'd anticipated. I thought since I had the initial shock of seeing him over with today would be fine. Not so. I was OK until I looked back and saw my sweet Stella in tears. I've never seen her that sad at a funeral before. She saw all the pictures on the tables and got a glimpse of grandpa in the other room. She didn't want to see him like that. Can't say that I blame her. When she saw me crying as they closed the coffin she decided to be brave and come by my side to comfort me. Such a tender-hearted girl! I just love her.

The funeral was beautiful and I believe if my grandpa had his way it would have been exactly the way today went. Only he probably would have told us all to stop crying so much! My mom and Annette gave beautiful talks and played the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. I will forever think of my grandpa when I hear that song. The graveside had some cute, old military men who played "Taps", fired 3 shots and gave the shells to my grandma along with the flag. The song "Beautiful World" was played. Afterwards we went to a nearby park and had some lunch. I loved that we were outside rather than in a church gym. My grandpa would prefer that.

Everything about the funeral was beautiful. However, it's so hard to say goodbye. I can't imagine not seeing him or hearing his whistle again. I hope that I can live my life as fully as he did. I want to do so many things with my life and I hope to get the chance before my time here is done. He had a wonderful life.

Brave

So I've decided that the bravest thing a person can do is grow old. This past weekend we headed down to St. George to help my grandma move and attend my grandpa's viewing. When I saw my grandpa I was shocked to see how thin and frail he'd gotten. I couldn't believe it was him. I barely recognized him. He had once been a tall, strong, healthy man. I rubbed his head one more time. It felt different. More people attended the viewing than we had expected.

My grandma seems to be holding up as good as she can. She'll have brief moments of grief, but recovers quickly. She was ready to move up here. She sat in the car for probably 15 minutes before we were ready to leave! She wasn't emotional at all leaving The Meadows. Can't say that I blame her. A lot of painful memories (along with some happy ones, of course) in their little apartment. I think a fresh start will be good for her. Especially being surrounded by her family.

I told her Sunday morning that I had decided the bravest thing a person can do is to grow old. I don't know how my grandpa felt in those past few weeks. I can't imagine. His daughter said she and my grandma had to hide in the closet on his last day because they could hear him choking. I imagine he was somewhere in between this life and the next at that point. I hope he didn't feel any pain. And equally brave for my grandma to face head on losing her most loved companion. Brave.

A midst all of the fun of moving and a viewing we did get some actual fun in. Bill's parents had taken the kids with them to the cabin for the weekend. The kids were ecstatic and we were relieved not to have to entertain them during all of this! It wasn't a vacation by an means. However, we did manage to go to a movie, relax in the hot tub, go for a hike (the same one my grandpa took us on for the last time!), go out to dinner, and take grandma with us on a drive through Zion's. She was thrilled to have the chance to go one more time. She and my grandpa had camped and drove through Zion's many times so it had many lovely memories for her. It was a nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Good Grief???

My sweet grandpa passed away yesterday. My mom called me about 7:45 to let me know. He didn't ever wake up and had been heavily medicated. My grandma was by his side always. My heart breaks for her. I know she will be so lonely without him. They were that couple that did everything together! They had a great love and shared their passion for life together in all they did.

I feel bad for my mom. I know this must be hard for her. She has so much weight on her shoulders right now not only grieving for her dad, but trying to comfort her mom and get her moved up to Salt Lake and plan a funeral is a lot to handle. Luckily my work schedule is flexible so we are able to leave for St. George to help grandma get packed and moved up here. I hope it will bring even a little bit of relief for my mom.

Grief is painful! Physically. It makes my head feel like it's going to explode after crying so hard and for so long. It makes me exhausted from not getting enough sleep from worrying. My stomach is in knots right now from the anxiety of all the things that have and will happen. My eyes are swollen. And then there's emotional grief. Even harder. It's hard to know you won't see someone for such a long time. I understand, of course, that my grandpa is out of pain and he was old and lived a wonderful life. I know I will see him again. I don't question any of that. I'm wondering is grief a healthy thing? Does it help us get through accepting the loss of a loved one?

I am so blessed. I have an amazing family and friends who brighten my days when they're dark. I came home to find my bestie had brought by these bright, beautiful flowers. Brought a smile to my face! I had gone to the cemetery yesterday after work to decorate Liam's grave for his birthday and as I was writing his card I was thinking about how grandpa and Liam were together again! How my grandpa and his daughter were reunited and how happy that must have been. I could imagine a grand reunion for my grandpa being encircled by so many loved ones who had already passed. I bet he was just thrilled! That made my heart a little lighter at the thought. 

I'm so thankful for my knowledge of the gospel and for the chance we will get to be together with our loved ones again! 

Blah

Tonight I am super sad. My grandpa going to be leaving this mortal life just hours from now. I have always wished my grandparents lived closer and were more involved, but I do have some really wonderful memories of my grandpa. He always called my sister and me "Cookie" (that's me) and "Cup-e-cake" (Emily). Made me feel special. I loved to rub his fuzzy bald head. On our second to last visit he looked just thrilled beyond belief to have Stella rub his head.

He would always say upon seeing us, "Well, there she is! Lookin' good kid!" and give a big hug. I loved hiking with him and camping with them. The one and only time I'd played golf was when I went with my parents to Star Valley after Bill and I first got married. Pretty much every card game I have ever learned was from my grandparents. Chicken foot, Mexican train, Golf...

He and Stella have such a sweet bond. Just a couple of days ago when Stella was suppose to be sleeping I thought she was playing on her tablet, but she was looking at the picture she keeps by her bed of her and grandpa. Brought tears to my eyes. She knew I had been crying about it earlier this week and it makes her sad as well. He would always joke about his bald head and how eating your vegetables would put hair on your toes! I love his passion for traveling and the outdoors.

He wants the song "I did it my way" played at his funeral and that's how he's lived his life. His way. I'm glad for him. He's had an amazing life! One many would only dream of! He's a good man who has loved my mom like his very own and who I didn't know was not my biological grandpa for many years because that stuff doesn't matter to him. He's been loving, kind and faithful to my grandma. They've had a happy life together and my heart breaks now for her and having to live the rest of her life without the man she's loved for so long. I can't picture my grandma without my grandpa close by. It's hard to see them get to this point. But it's been hard knowing he's been suffering as long as he has. I'll be happy he will finally be at peace and hiking the most beautiful mountains heaven has to offer and with his parents again (whom I hear he's had a good conversation with lately!)

I love this picture of my grandpa. He always has such funny expressions as he'd talk/listen to us. So animated! Loved to make us laugh by making up something silly. This was on our "white trash camping trip" while playing at the park at Capitol Reef. One of my gramp's favorite spots :)

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." 

~ Oscar Wilde

New Goal

After reading Barbara's first blog post in about 2 years I have decided to make a new goal! Her daughter challenged her to blog everyday for 1 year. And I can confidently say that that was the hardest, most challenging year of her life. She stuck with it and hopefully found some healing in the process. My goal of a photo a day this year has been an EPIC FAIL. January and February were pretty good. I missed maybe a handful. March was awful. I felt like all I did was clean up dog poop (which is not an exaggeration) and who wants a picture of that?! It's been just downhill since then. So I am challenging myself to blog every other day just for my own records sake. I don't keep a journal consistently so maybe this will take care of the photo a day and journaling (not a real word) all at once. So there. I'm putting it out there and I look forward to this little challenge! Keep me accountable people. Maybe then I can figure out how to be one of those cool people who print their blogs into a photo album! Maybe not.

On my mind today...Tristan's last football game. I'm sad to see the season come and go. He played so awesome this season and I absolutely loved watching him. He is so passionate about sports, especially football. He had several touchdowns, pulled many flags and even "sacked" one teams quarterback two times in a row. That was my favorite game. His defense was awesome. He brought his "A game" for sure!

This absolutely beautiful girl turned 16 today! She is such a wonderful person. She is so mature, responsible, funny, loving and smart. She has such a bright future ahead of her. We were able to go down and attend her party. She was completely shocked to see her parents had bought her a car. It was fun to see her excitement. It's been a joy watching her grow into the little lady she is today.

Tweenager

It's official. Stella is in double digits which I guess technically makes her a tweenager! Scary. Not too scary because she is such a delightful child that she makes it look easy. It's truly been an honor to be her mother! For her birthday this year it was her turn to have a friends party. We decided to have the Grammy's. It was a lot of fun! She was so excited when I showed her all of the fun ideas I'd found on the internet that she squealed and we had to jump around - holding hands mind you - in a circle. Yeah, she's pretty girly and fun like that.

She dressed up like Taylor Swift, her idol, and her friends came dressed up as well. We rolled out the red carpet and sang Frozen songs very loudly. It was so much fun! Can't believe my baby girl is 10! We love you Miss Stella!

Capitol Reef

It has been 15 years since I've camped there and 6 years I believe since we attempted camping and ended up camping in my brother's yard. Capitol Reef is probably my favorite place. I have so many wonderful memories there. It's where I grew up camping almost yearly. I always looked forward to those camping trips! The red rock mountains are truly breathtaking. It's my happy place. Well, that and Disneyland. How can you not be happy at Disneyland (don't ask Bill this question. It's fully loaded with him!)

This year was extra special to me because I got to share it with my children. It was fun to see them hike the mountains and climb in the cheese holes I loved to do so much as a kid. Tristan even said to me during one of our hikes, "Mom, thanks so much for bringing me here." It's his 2nd favorite place. Yellowstone is #1 of course. Such a Duffin boy. It was also special to me because my grandpa is as of now days, maybe a week or two at best from passing away. My grandpa introduced this beautiful land to us and he has always loved Capitol Reef and St. George more than all of the amazing places he's been to. And it is many. I remember when we went 6 years ago they had met us there and hiked Cassidy Arch with us. He was talking to a stranger as he always does about how much he loved it there and that it was his favorite place. I will never look at any red rock mountains and not think about him. I wish they could have been there, but I will hold dearly to the memories I do have.

My parents as well as Shaun and his family joined us for the weekend. The weather was mostly good! Windy and rainy at times, but with this view who really cares?! Here are a few pics from that weekend!

It's going to be pretty hard to top my last two birthdays! There's nothing better than being in the place you love most with the people you love most!