Dukey MoNukey

"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love." ~ Hilary Stanton Zunin

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Today I did that thing which I thought I could not do. I know I have much to catch up on including T's birthday. I will get to that another day soon. Today I just want to write about my most amazing dog Duke. He has been one of my greatest loves for the past 12 years! Today we sadly made the heart-wrenching choice to put him to rest. His health has declined very quickly over the past year. We honestly didn't think he'd make it to see 2014 so we knew we were pretty much on "borrowed time". The past 3 weeks in particular have been very hard for him. When it got to the point that despite normal labs and x-rays he struggled breathing and was not at ease even sleeping we knew this was no life for him.

Bill would frequently say that he thought it was "his time to go". I knew it had to be my call to say when. That time came yesterday after 2 rough nights of hearing him cough and gag anytime he'd lay down or anything would touch his belly. His stomach was ridiculously bloated it looked like he swallowed a bowling ball. He's always been my scrawnier dog so I knew there was something going undiagnosed. With how crippled he already was I didn't want to put him or his frail body through further testing. When I agreed that it was time after one of Bill's many "it's time" moments is when it hit us hard. We decided to do it Monday morning as soon as the kids went to school.

Sunday night the kids gave him lots of love and we took a few last family pictures with Duke. Tristan had a lot of questions and was pretty sad yesterday when we told him our plans. He went into his room and held his stuffed dog animal. He kept asking us to put it off a few days but understood he was not doing well and it would be selfish to keep him around. Stella gave me lots of hugs, but it didn't seem to hit her until this morning. She was teary-eyed and said, "Goodbye Duke. I'll never forget you." Tristan said, "Life will never be the same without Duke." I agree.

We gave him his last meal of a Holiday hot dog with lots of melted cheddar cheese on it. For a moment he looked like a lively puppy again! I haven't seen him that excited since I don't know when! We made him comfortable in the back of the truck with his bed and blanket. Bill had arranged for the veterinarian to come out to the truck rather than taking him inside since he gets so nervous. We wanted this to be as peaceful as possible for him (and for us). As I sat in the back with him in the back of the truck he would perk up to the sound of the birds chirping and seemed happy just being outside. He didn't seem alarmed at all even when the doctor came. I wonder if he knew what was happening and was at peace with it. It was very quick and peaceful. The vet and his nurse were very sympathetic and professional. I wish we'd gone to them for the past 12 years now!

We then took the sad drive to the cabin to bury him in a place that he loved to wander and play. We had so many wonderful memories of taking him there - even before Stella and Tristan were born! We're thankful Ron and Becky so willingly agreed to let us lay him to rest there. We were amazed at how completely peaceful he looked! He hadn't looked that peaceful in a long long time. Knowing he's out of pain is the only thing getting me through this day. I just picture him running through fields and swimming with Sierra and Shyanne  in a healthy body. Tristan said he thinks Heavenly Father is playing fetch with him.

Of our 3 dogs Bill and I have adopted Duke has been my most playful, energetic (up til the past few years), at times trouble-making dog. When Sierra died he quickly became my constant companion. He'd follow me everywhere! I loved that he'd perk up when he'd see me. I already miss seeing him jump up and down because he was so excited for his treats. Or rubbing up against my foot while I'm sitting down. And at 70 lbs. thinking he was my little lap dog. There is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog. Our home already feels different in a way. Empty. Duke will be forever missed and he will always have a big chunk of my heart.